girl overboard

alex is right about everything and i love him and i'm jealous of his tumblr

A lot has happened recently but I haven’t felt like writing about it. I don’t like my whiny writing style and I remember the second last time Naomi was here drunk she read my blog out loud to her best friend in a condescending tone and stuff like that affects me even if I say it doesn’t. Funny that the last time she was here she was on anti-depressants crying on my bed about her new boyfriend so I guess it’s just how things work out. I’m on anti-depressants too now, and after 6 weeks of fluoxotine/prozac making me numb, they changed me to mirtazapine which I think has helped a lot. There’s this conspiracy theory that says prozac is what makes all those teens go crazy and shoot up schools and I can honestly see how there could be a correlation because the 6 weeks I was on it it was like my heart and my head were screaming but nothing would come out. It didn’t change my pain it just made me numb to it and almost accept it and I remember being younger and having suicidal thoughts and how it made me really sad but on prozac it almost becomes matter of fact and that’s scary to think of in the case of someone who would hurt someone else than hurt themselves. Mirtazapine on the other hand actually helps me feel good and when I drink on them I get all tingly and it’s almost like an actual drug, which is the only reason I can imagine they don’t administer them first; like it’s just better to have your patients feel numb than to feel good. 

Daryl stopped being my friend for some reason which doesn’t really bother me since I got new flatmates from Africa who treat me better than he did anyway. I struggled to think of why they liked me so much and then I remember the first night they showed up I give them blankets and curtains and a little bag of weed and we sat up all night smoking and now they call me their brother and we fist pump and chill out all the time and it’s so weird having a set of everyday friends after everybody tried so hard to distance me for so long. Unfortunately I’m still anti-social when I’m not drinking so I still have that hurdle of being really friendly with people at night then not saying a dang thing to them for the next few days but it’s kinda cool because nobody judges me for it the way other people used to. When we hang out we talk about real life Somalia and they show me their bullet wounds and talk about all the people they’ve killed or seen die in their tribes back home and it’s so hardcore it just opens my eyes to how easy we have it in this country even if all we do is bitch. They invited me over sometime and I half wanna go but half don’t wanna get shot, but a third half kinda does want to get shot because the scar would be cool so I dunno. 

I miss Queen’s and I miss Psychology and I just want it to be October so I can go back. I feel like I’m a better person and better adjusted and probably will enjoy this year a lot more than last year when I still basically had no friends and was so involved in trying to help other people rather than myself. 

I miss writing and I wanna start blogging again and writing poetry and all that fag shit I’ve been trying to get away from because hey my fag shit offsets the drugs I do and I was pretty good at fag shit a while back. I’m just so much more aware that nothing I do or say matters and I’m unlikely to read any of these back and that’s what stops me from doing anything really is just how pointless it all is. I wanna travel and stuff but I wanna do it my way. Like I don’t wanna take a tourist picture in front of a monument with a fanny pack and cut off shorts, I want to go get fucked up and do fucked up things and take loads of pictures that I can later attribute words to. But I know I’m still a long way off doing any of that. I’ve had this recurring thought about all of my failed suicide attempts and instead of whatever possessed me to end up in a hospital what if I had’ve hopped a train and just went somewhere for a few days; how many more memories would I have?

My dreams have been crazy lately too, like a shock video that won’t end and they’re so scary. I was gonna write a paragraph about them but it’s probably better that I don’t. I’ve always believed in energy but I’m getting more into spiritual stuff and I’m starting to believe that most of life’s questions will be answered in my lifetime. I feel like that’s why I’m still holding on is I’m just waiting for the shit to start. Like there will probably be another world war in our lifetime. There will probably be alien contact for better or for worse. That’s the kinda shit that interests me right now. So it’s so weird thinking I’m going to uni to get a degree and a career and a wife and some children and a part of me really does crave that routine lifestyle, but a part of me still wants to watch the world burn. So I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going or who I even am anymore but I guess I’m kinda interested to find out. 

I wish I could just wake up and be the person I want to be without having to go through this whole chrysalis period though. 

something else i noticed mix together the two ideals “you don’t know what you have til it’s gone” with the evolutionary psychologist “adapt from your mistakes” maybe positivity literally reinforces a lot of things like if you think you have a shitty memory your memory won’t be appreciated and will eventually deteriorate at a fast rate also include other skills and feelings for your wife in this list but idk i’m just thinking maybe that’s a literal reason why positivity can sometimes overcome things and a lot of people aka me just rly like being negative 

they tell me that alcohol is a depressant and it only makes things worse but up until now i’ve been relatively happy on alcohol. maybe not the side effects and hangovers but while i’m drinking things are fine. the only depressing part is when i come to terms with things and be honest with myself. while im sober i build up certain defences and see things a certain way but when im drinking i’ll just be honest with myself and accept certain things, almost seeing them from a different perspective or different persons eyes, and accept whether im at fault or not. this is cathartic because while sober i’ll blame myself for a lot of things that were out of my control and when i get drunk i can finally just admit i did nothing wrong or i did the best i could and find closure with that. but i guess as with everything, sometimes i’ll remember somewhere where i was at fault, and while sober i’d block it out entirely, the alcohol alleviates the immediate negative feelings ie guilt as a mere fact (i feel guilty emotionally but my brain hasnt responded the correct chemical reaction yet to feel the full reaction)

but then when you sober up you’re left with those acceptances and new realisation without the barrier of alcohol to cope with. i mean i know how your body can become physically dependent on alcohol and stuff like that and as with any drug your brain can get addicted to a certain state of mind but to me that’s has to be a contributing factor to the depressant side of alcohol and would explain why addiction effects people differently but idk 

I suck with cameras and shouldn’t be left in control of them so this is the best I got from la dispute in Dublin last night. So intense, way better crowd than the Belfast gig, easily the best show I’ve ever been to and I’m still waiting on getting the pics back from meeting them on Sunday night:)

I suck with cameras and shouldn’t be left in control of them so this is the best I got from la dispute in Dublin last night. So intense, way better crowd than the Belfast gig, easily the best show I’ve ever been to and I’m still waiting on getting the pics back from meeting them on Sunday night:)

Saw La Dispute last night and met the band and got them to sign stuff and it was pretty great but I was like super drunk and kept calling everybody Jordan Dreyer and then when I finally met Jordan I was like fiehfehfiwejfiwefi I mean dude he writes the best lyrics in the world and he’s playing in front of like 50 kids at my shitty uni so I tried to let him know how much he meant to people but I don’t know obnoxiously drunk I came across awrdwqrjijg

Think I’m gonna go see them in Dublin tonight cause it’s the last night of the tour but I don’t have tickets and I’m scared of them being sold out by the time i get down so weuqhdfaiosndfoesai I dunno what I wanna do lol but I really wanna go 

I got a pic with Jordan but it’s on my friend’s phone he was like holding meeeeeeee and was so super nice and polite and down to earth and amazing and cute and ugh fuck 

It’s been such a weird year for me and I haven’t blogged any of it. Or I’ve attempted to blog but my head’s been so all over the place I’ve got bored half way through and relegated it to my drafts. Writing used to be the only thing I was good and now I can’t master the art of a full sentence. 

But most of what’s happened this year I don’t want to attach words to because I’m not sure how I feel about it or how I want or expect other people to feel. I haven’t been myself and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I accept the changes myself and I guess I’m scared of other people’s judgement. 

I always feel pathetic after I write like all I’ve done is just document another phase of my failure. Nothing in my life has really been anything to look back on nevermind bookmark online for people to pick apart; including whoever it is I grow into. 

At the start of the year I was generally okay, I wasn’t really drinking and I hadn’t started doing anything worse than that. I know I wasn’t happy because I never have been and it’s ridiculous to suggest I was in any way content because I know I wasn’t but I had a better grasp on things. 

I feel submerged now and the gasps of air I do take are just as polluted as the water entering my lungs. There’s no letup. There’s no break. There’s just chemicals to dull the pain and to push the clock hands forward into ripping up another day on the calendar. 

I’ve realised a lot of things and fallen back into pits I’d thought I’d crawled out of. It’s like without drugs I could run from my problems but when I’m on them I masochistically run straight into them, like I suddenly have the courage to face them; and I do solve a lot of issues but some just remain reopened and too freshly available to run from while sober.

In the last month I’ve had Andy and Shelby and Melanie in my flat and these things wouldn’t have happened without drugs to fuel it. But nothing’s stuck. I’ve lost all my friends at school and so the desire to do well has been sucked from me. I feel subhuman because I don’t know how it happened and as much as I love feeding off other people saying forget those guys you’re better than them there’s a part of me that obviously can’t because it’s not the first set of friends I’ve lost and it certainly won’t be the last. I remember Nomi would cry in my arms about that stuff. Not finding a circle, just faking it until it disappears. And she’s lowered herself to nothing to find a circle that would stick whereas I’m just getting hung up in the twisted nooses I couldn’t control.

I’m a bad person. I’m filled with hate and fear and a part of me likes it. A part of me doesn’t want to let go of it. I don’t know where someone as fucked me as me is supposed to go. I’ve had to accept that I’m not normal. Like maybe I had the potential to be at one stage and maybe I still do and I don’t know if it’s a self fulfilling prophecy or not but it’s like every bump in the road gets magnified because you’ve seen it before. It’s not like a different problem holding you back each time it’s like the same barriers no matter what you try.

So you’re supposed to accept who you are. And I’m sure I could find acceptance but it always seems to be with people I don’t accept. I’m sure there’s a circle of people as fucked up as me who would love to have me in their life but I’d feel gross and cheated within it.

I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I’ve started believing in energy. I believe people have a certain energy that brings them together. I feel like as lazy and unmotivated as I am I have that energy inside me to want to be someone. To want to go and do everything and just live. But I’m so damaged by everything that I can’t do it alone. I need a twin to mirror me and come get in trouble with me and have fun. I want drugs to fuel stories instead of clouding the truth. I want my life to burn words into a book you can only read once.

But I’m trapped in a sewer like keys to the world that nobody wants to take the time to fish out because it’s going to turn anyway and it’ll probably be fine regardless. I want to combust and leave a part of me on every torn calendar page. To look into the past decades from now and define time by the parts of me I left behind.

But I’m nothing by myself.  

the problem with alcohol is that it taught me that it’s not normal to feel sad all the time and in fact it’s pretty good to feel great but also after alcohol i find myself brain dead in a corner listening to limpbizkit and idk how the fuck im supposed to find a balance between feeling like an open wound and headbang puking in the back of class but feeling ok

Just have nothing in my life rn. Kinda whiny. Like I’ve been off for 2 weeks I think and it feels like a year. Feels like I never went to uni at all and it feels like I won’t be back. I have no one really to talk to like sometimes I’ll talk to someone on twitter or snapchat or whatever but like I need so much more than that I want new friends I want to go to somebody different’s house everyday for tea or something. Without that and without Naomi I feel unfulfilled and so just mope around my room all day watching youtube videos, getting drunk and ingesting any drugs that might happen to come my way. Time has had no meaning recently I’ve had my contacts in for longer than I can remember, my mind is completely fucked up, I barely know what day it is, I don’t know what is happening, everything’s so scary and I’m sat in the middle of it alone. I just want to feel connected to something or someone or some people and without that it’s easy to get lost. 

I met Mel the other day and we hung out, it was fun until I got drunk and told her her boyfriend was probably cheating on her so we had to go find him and sort everything out. But it was a cool day with her and I asked her while inebriated if she thought I was a freak or whatever considering that’s what like 90% of the people in my life seem to think and she said she honestly didn’t think I was. Maybe like I’m just not until you get past a certain part of my personality and realise how messed up I am I don’t know. 

Life is spooky rn because I’m running out of money and I haven’t applied for next year’s loans yet and I have no motivation to do it or to revise for the exams we have coming up in I think just over a week. Like that’s why we’re off for a month to revise for these things but instead I’m stressing because I literally have nothing. Having nothing was fine in a weird way before I started college but now that I have stresses of real life to deal with it’s pretty soul destroying not to have a support circle or a family or anything to just fall back on. Like I get stressed out at uni just to come home and have the girl I like say I’m not worth it or my friends are all busy and then I have to do all this collateral shit like make myself food and it’s just a lot of input for basically no output and nobody will really understand how hard that is. 

I don’t really know who to blame ultimately because everything comes back to me and all my decisions are mine and instead of moping if I want change I should go be proactive and take life into my own hands and stuff but naw that’s just not who I am I need to do things for someone and need to have somebody there while I do it and that’s probably too much to ask and things will probably never change. 

i think im just destined to be an online creep like i seem to find out people’s full names in the weirdest ways so i can conveniently go stalk them later

like this cute girl i walked past yesterday with my friend and thought about talking to her but didnt then literally just there now dominos messed up our orders so i had to go give her her pizza which had her full name on it it’s like life just wants me to facebook search her and now here i go off to do that

as i slip further into the grip of my own neurosis i think about how mental health research is still in its infancy and how most prescribed drugs are probably just a generalised attempt to attack or sedate certain parts of the brain or the specific rogue chemicals in it

no actual healing takes place, and how can it, we all engage in the seesaw battle to maintain our internal balance and if you find yourself struggling to uphold a certain side then brightly coloured pills will be administered regularly to supposedly do the work for you

from what i’ve seen in psyche wards and from personal experience i think life itself is sometimes a unprotected chair shot that leaves you dazed in the midst of a world that won’t stop turning. sometimes all you need is to take a breath and give your brain time to stop rattling and that’s often impossible when you’re scared of the repercussions and you have no support circle to fall back on

i feel like that’s where self medication comes in and becomes prominent and you can sorta fall back on a self administered coma if everything else around you has failed you or let you down 

drugs become like a cloud you can fall back on and hopefully when the wind changes and that cloud disappears your head will be in a better place, but that’s the dice you roll with drugs and chances are you’ll find yourself in a completely new head space, twice as petrified as you originally were because not only has the situation changed but the person in the mirror has replaced itself with a readjusted, slightly less secure version of yourself

i overshoot that thought and i think about the next stage of human evolution and i think about robotics and how maybe in a few decades the drugs will be as effective as oiling a biomechanical machine

the beauty in humans lies in their differing personalities and the fact that everybody probably is suffering from something and could be attributed a label and a diagnosis

but i feel like efficiency and progress is more important than these streams of toxic mindsets and eventually we will eradicate all forms of psychosis and if we lose our personalities in favour of a cybernetic super race then so be it because we can’t fix the flaws of biology when we can barely understand it and we cant evolve until we’re all on the same page 

been rly sad lately like kinda cascade into nothing sad like kinda fighting not to wrap your arms around everything and squeeze life either out of it or into it with your corporeal angst kinda sad so here’s your weekly entertainment run down

lost my best friend at school bc she’s prissy and uptight and i had to tell her that possibly whilst inebriated possibly whilst twisting her words maliciously for fun as a defence mechanism to kinda quell my own pain for being involved in the argument to start with and watching my friend circle dissipate into shapes we never covered at school

lost nomi again i think i mean she said a bunch of stuff which is too hyper real to attach to either the tip of my tongue or fingertips and it’s the kind of guess you wont be needing this anymore heart against the wall into a bin kinda stuff that denial was really created for i mean i’d like to think someday we’ll be over all this shit and it’s the kinda thing i’ll pick her up and throw her in the lake at the park for and laugh about later but right now it’s like a t junction of emotions crashing together somewhere in my chest area and i hate it 

havent seen daryl either since he broke up with his girl a few weeks before she gives birth to his second child but he doesnt really deserve a paragraph (nor does this kardash drama deserve punctuation in general) but he’s the guy i go out with sometimes and shout at tramps in the street and regardless it would be an outlet for this negative energy and i havent had it either sad sad 

so i have a lab report due today which is huge shit on our campus and it’s due at midnight and while i’ll probably scrape together enough sentences not to fail it i’ve been so depressed with everything (like actually going under sad like oxygen becomes water and im drowning constantly kinda sad) and usually i pride myself on having all this information and references and articles and i’ve been pushing for a first for ages like i’ve had so many 2:1s lately it’s sickening but everyone in my class who i copy off and bitch about not understanding anything to are getting 2:2s and 3s so obviously im doing something right but i’ve been so insanely sad i just cannot and i cannot and i cannot

so idk i mean long term ramifications probably nothing who cares as long as i can work it out with noms but i love positive feedback and i hate handing in something subpar for the sole reason that i didnt have enough endorphins to pull my head out of the pillows all weekend and it’s so disappointing and i hate everybody and my eyes should no longer be attached to my head im divorcing them that’s it you’re out golfclubs thrown out the window kinda sad

People say you’re shallow minded for saying money can buy you happiness, but I think you’re intrinsically more shallow if you can’t think of a way money would end your problems. 

If I had money, what would be the first thing I’d do? I’d buy a fucking house instead of the squat I currently live in, and you know the best thing? I wouldn’t be pressured into what area I would have to live in, or the size, or the mortgage payments; I’d have money so buying a house wouldn’t be a big life decision it would be a casual thing because if I didn’t like it I could just move somewhere else. After that I’d probably buy a car which I would park in my big ass driveway until I learnt how to drive it then I’d spend the next few months planning my insane summer holiday and who would come with me and how many countries could we cross off our list before we ran out of either countries or pen ink. Again, I wouldn’t have to worry about location, wouldn’t have to worry about spending money, wouldn’t have to worry about accommodation falling through, because if anything happened to me while on this trip I’d just pay my way out of it because I have money. 

People talk about having shitty fake friends who would only be close to you for your money, don’t worry I already have plenty of fake friends who only talk to me when they want something; if I had money I could leave those friends behind and go be friends with even richer cuter successful fake people if that’s what it came down to. Or more than likely I’d just stop getting frustrated at people letting me down and I’d let new friendships form naturally, all the while counting my big stacks of cash. 

I don’t even think I’d drop out of University, it’s nice to focus on something you enjoy and I’m not stupid enough to not want something out of life like a career or whatever, but at least I could afford the loans and the bills and the fees and not be stressed out by all this collateral shit I shouldn’t have signed up for in the first place. 

So if you dare say money can’t buy you happiness I will slap you into poverty and tell me how happy you are not only fighting for a place in life but fighting to maintain these so called friends that seem to disappear regardless of how you line your pockets. 

the tightest i’ve ever been held was by a noose. even when people do hold me it’s not much of a hold it’s more of a falling on me emotionally because they know if my stitches havent broken under my own weight they know it can hold theirs too

we did an experiment in psych today involving caffeine and reaction times and since by 3pm im literally a shaking mess from withdrawal i obviously offered to be a part of the caffeinated group (first out the door screaming/assaulting minors). for some reason as we sat drinking coffee out of ugly paper cups my lab tutor went round the room asking everyone the latest fight they’d been in and it was the surrealist thing because since i dont get enough social attention i often imagine my peers asking me random questions just so i have a reason to talk to myself and here it was actually happening. so there’s me the neurotic mess slurping poorly made decaf, shivering, shaking, telling all the 18y/os i school with about the guy i fought on friday (forgetting i’d actually been in a fight on saturday too) still with the bruised hand and bloody knuckles to show for it. i remember the moment in my head when it hit me harder than anything could physically when i was about to say “oh i’ve never really been hurt in a fight ironically the hardest i’ve been hit was by my dad lol” and i don’t know it really made me sad to think of the montage of fistfights i’ve been a part of in the 8 years since i’ve seen him and the only fat lip was a receipt he left me along with his own short temper

i don’t post here anymore because i have so much work to do i can rarely get lost in my sadness anymore but it is a nice little detour from time to time

i mean embracing my sadness and wearing the scars like rly cool meme t-shirts seems so much more acceptable to me than being unaware of it and not realising til hours later i just told my entire next 3 years peer group that i am a violent psychotic and they should steer well clear 

my tongue has swollen to dangerous egotistical levels without my lack of self belief constantly biting it