aw cute do u wanna do a real cam
aw cute do u wanna do a real cam
i get into fights w my landlord all the time bc she complains about stupid shit and gets emotionally involved on the dumbest level and im like ???? but my flat mate is like yes she’s full of shit but don’t fight her until you’ve got somewhere else to live because what can you get out of it except worsening things further?
and i guess that summarises the majority of my life like i live in a constant state of discontent and i want to fight everybody in a futile attempt to change my situation but his words ring true even in that situation “don’t fight it until you have a better alternative” and i don’t so i can either push it away and have a spiteful flavoured nothing or i can accept the wonderful taste of bullshit for the foreseeable future and maybe for the unforeseeable future after that too
see when i found out alcohol helped my anxiety and brought my overall mental state up from borderline catatonic to barely manageable i started having little shots throughout my day like shot before my exam shot before this spooky phonecall shot before a social encounter and maybe im just over thinking things but i’ve been off the sauce now for what seems like days and i think my overall anxiety levels are worse than ever like i’ve studied it a lot this year that if you start to depend on something your brain gets lazy, lets down its mental walls a bit and you no longer have that subtle defence you never realised you had and i dunno maybe that’s what happened but like whatever it is i hope it goes away because i’ve been crazy anxious for like three days straight now and it’s basically th.e.wor.s.t. have you ever fallen off a cliff and kept falling and then tried to read a book but couldnt because you were still falling well then you know how i feel
how could anyone this romantic n dreamy be single haha
I SENT THIS TO MYSELF I FUCKING HATE EVERYBODY
Birthday tomorrow - old enough to worry about how old I’m getting with all the perks of still getting IDed and feeling insignificant
half crushing on your looks half crushing on the hope in your eyes your surrounding your situation and your dreams
I had an okay Christmas. I mean there was food which was OKAY. It sucks sort of not feeling like you belong around your family. Like they will seasonally put up with you but that’s the height of it. I end up feeling like I’m not there, like I’m watching everything happen. Most of my memories of my family come from old video tapes recorded over the years, and then when I’m around them and they’re interacting with everybody except me I feel like I’m watching another video. They have the same voices they had in those 15 year old tapes. They exchange the same pleasantries in much the same tones. The difference is I’m actually there, but it really doesn’t feel any different.
It’s sad how personable and upbeat and funny and other adjectives I don’t really believe I can be around other people, strangers even, but when I’m with my family everything comes back and I’m moody and hateful and honestly wondering why I’m even there. I wonder if I’ll ever be myself around them. I don’t really know what I want or how I expect it to happen. I just go into situations thinking things will change but they never do. Maybe some day I’ll just get drunk and scream at everybody and tell them why I hate them as opposed to bottling it up. At least you’re flipping a coin on either closure or a solution. But not this year. So it’s my last day sober before I go home tomorrow and draw out revision plans and prepare for another year of self loathing.