A lot has happened recently but I haven’t felt like writing about it. I don’t like my whiny writing style and I remember the second last time Naomi was here drunk she read my blog out loud to her best friend in a condescending tone and stuff like that affects me even if I say it doesn’t. Funny that the last time she was here she was on anti-depressants crying on my bed about her new boyfriend so I guess it’s just how things work out. I’m on anti-depressants too now, and after 6 weeks of fluoxotine/prozac making me numb, they changed me to mirtazapine which I think has helped a lot. There’s this conspiracy theory that says prozac is what makes all those teens go crazy and shoot up schools and I can honestly see how there could be a correlation because the 6 weeks I was on it it was like my heart and my head were screaming but nothing would come out. It didn’t change my pain it just made me numb to it and almost accept it and I remember being younger and having suicidal thoughts and how it made me really sad but on prozac it almost becomes matter of fact and that’s scary to think of in the case of someone who would hurt someone else than hurt themselves. Mirtazapine on the other hand actually helps me feel good and when I drink on them I get all tingly and it’s almost like an actual drug, which is the only reason I can imagine they don’t administer them first; like it’s just better to have your patients feel numb than to feel good.
Daryl stopped being my friend for some reason which doesn’t really bother me since I got new flatmates from Africa who treat me better than he did anyway. I struggled to think of why they liked me so much and then I remember the first night they showed up I give them blankets and curtains and a little bag of weed and we sat up all night smoking and now they call me their brother and we fist pump and chill out all the time and it’s so weird having a set of everyday friends after everybody tried so hard to distance me for so long. Unfortunately I’m still anti-social when I’m not drinking so I still have that hurdle of being really friendly with people at night then not saying a dang thing to them for the next few days but it’s kinda cool because nobody judges me for it the way other people used to. When we hang out we talk about real life Somalia and they show me their bullet wounds and talk about all the people they’ve killed or seen die in their tribes back home and it’s so hardcore it just opens my eyes to how easy we have it in this country even if all we do is bitch. They invited me over sometime and I half wanna go but half don’t wanna get shot, but a third half kinda does want to get shot because the scar would be cool so I dunno.
I miss Queen’s and I miss Psychology and I just want it to be October so I can go back. I feel like I’m a better person and better adjusted and probably will enjoy this year a lot more than last year when I still basically had no friends and was so involved in trying to help other people rather than myself.
I miss writing and I wanna start blogging again and writing poetry and all that fag shit I’ve been trying to get away from because hey my fag shit offsets the drugs I do and I was pretty good at fag shit a while back. I’m just so much more aware that nothing I do or say matters and I’m unlikely to read any of these back and that’s what stops me from doing anything really is just how pointless it all is. I wanna travel and stuff but I wanna do it my way. Like I don’t wanna take a tourist picture in front of a monument with a fanny pack and cut off shorts, I want to go get fucked up and do fucked up things and take loads of pictures that I can later attribute words to. But I know I’m still a long way off doing any of that. I’ve had this recurring thought about all of my failed suicide attempts and instead of whatever possessed me to end up in a hospital what if I had’ve hopped a train and just went somewhere for a few days; how many more memories would I have?
My dreams have been crazy lately too, like a shock video that won’t end and they’re so scary. I was gonna write a paragraph about them but it’s probably better that I don’t. I’ve always believed in energy but I’m getting more into spiritual stuff and I’m starting to believe that most of life’s questions will be answered in my lifetime. I feel like that’s why I’m still holding on is I’m just waiting for the shit to start. Like there will probably be another world war in our lifetime. There will probably be alien contact for better or for worse. That’s the kinda shit that interests me right now. So it’s so weird thinking I’m going to uni to get a degree and a career and a wife and some children and a part of me really does crave that routine lifestyle, but a part of me still wants to watch the world burn. So I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going or who I even am anymore but I guess I’m kinda interested to find out.
I wish I could just wake up and be the person I want to be without having to go through this whole chrysalis period though.