alex is right about everything and i love him and i'm jealous of his tumblr
Just have nothing in my life rn. Kinda whiny. Like I’ve been off for 2 weeks I think and it feels like a year. Feels like I never went to uni at all and it feels like I won’t be back. I have no one really to talk to like sometimes I’ll talk to someone on twitter or snapchat or whatever but like I need so much more than that I want new friends I want to go to somebody different’s house everyday for tea or something. Without that and without Naomi I feel unfulfilled and so just mope around my room all day watching youtube videos, getting drunk and ingesting any drugs that might happen to come my way. Time has had no meaning recently I’ve had my contacts in for longer than I can remember, my mind is completely fucked up, I barely know what day it is, I don’t know what is happening, everything’s so scary and I’m sat in the middle of it alone. I just want to feel connected to something or someone or some people and without that it’s easy to get lost.
I met Mel the other day and we hung out, it was fun until I got drunk and told her her boyfriend was probably cheating on her so we had to go find him and sort everything out. But it was a cool day with her and I asked her while inebriated if she thought I was a freak or whatever considering that’s what like 90% of the people in my life seem to think and she said she honestly didn’t think I was. Maybe like I’m just not until you get past a certain part of my personality and realise how messed up I am I don’t know.
Life is spooky rn because I’m running out of money and I haven’t applied for next year’s loans yet and I have no motivation to do it or to revise for the exams we have coming up in I think just over a week. Like that’s why we’re off for a month to revise for these things but instead I’m stressing because I literally have nothing. Having nothing was fine in a weird way before I started college but now that I have stresses of real life to deal with it’s pretty soul destroying not to have a support circle or a family or anything to just fall back on. Like I get stressed out at uni just to come home and have the girl I like say I’m not worth it or my friends are all busy and then I have to do all this collateral shit like make myself food and it’s just a lot of input for basically no output and nobody will really understand how hard that is.
I don’t really know who to blame ultimately because everything comes back to me and all my decisions are mine and instead of moping if I want change I should go be proactive and take life into my own hands and stuff but naw that’s just not who I am I need to do things for someone and need to have somebody there while I do it and that’s probably too much to ask and things will probably never change.
i think im just destined to be an online creep like i seem to find out people’s full names in the weirdest ways so i can conveniently go stalk them later
like this cute girl i walked past yesterday with my friend and thought about talking to her but didnt then literally just there now dominos messed up our orders so i had to go give her her pizza which had her full name on it it’s like life just wants me to facebook search her and now here i go off to do that
as i slip further into the grip of my own neurosis i think about how mental health research is still in its infancy and how most prescribed drugs are probably just a generalised attempt to attack or sedate certain parts of the brain or the specific rogue chemicals in it
no actual healing takes place, and how can it, we all engage in the seesaw battle to maintain our internal balance and if you find yourself struggling to uphold a certain side then brightly coloured pills will be administered regularly to supposedly do the work for you
from what i’ve seen in psyche wards and from personal experience i think life itself is sometimes a unprotected chair shot that leaves you dazed in the midst of a world that won’t stop turning. sometimes all you need is to take a breath and give your brain time to stop rattling and that’s often impossible when you’re scared of the repercussions and you have no support circle to fall back on
i feel like that’s where self medication comes in and becomes prominent and you can sorta fall back on a self administered coma if everything else around you has failed you or let you down
drugs become like a cloud you can fall back on and hopefully when the wind changes and that cloud disappears your head will be in a better place, but that’s the dice you roll with drugs and chances are you’ll find yourself in a completely new head space, twice as petrified as you originally were because not only has the situation changed but the person in the mirror has replaced itself with a readjusted, slightly less secure version of yourself
i overshoot that thought and i think about the next stage of human evolution and i think about robotics and how maybe in a few decades the drugs will be as effective as oiling a biomechanical machine
the beauty in humans lies in their differing personalities and the fact that everybody probably is suffering from something and could be attributed a label and a diagnosis
but i feel like efficiency and progress is more important than these streams of toxic mindsets and eventually we will eradicate all forms of psychosis and if we lose our personalities in favour of a cybernetic super race then so be it because we can’t fix the flaws of biology when we can barely understand it and we cant evolve until we’re all on the same page
been rly sad lately like kinda cascade into nothing sad like kinda fighting not to wrap your arms around everything and squeeze life either out of it or into it with your corporeal angst kinda sad so here’s your weekly entertainment run down
lost my best friend at school bc she’s prissy and uptight and i had to tell her that possibly whilst inebriated possibly whilst twisting her words maliciously for fun as a defence mechanism to kinda quell my own pain for being involved in the argument to start with and watching my friend circle dissipate into shapes we never covered at school
lost nomi again i think i mean she said a bunch of stuff which is too hyper real to attach to either the tip of my tongue or fingertips and it’s the kind of guess you wont be needing this anymore heart against the wall into a bin kinda stuff that denial was really created for i mean i’d like to think someday we’ll be over all this shit and it’s the kinda thing i’ll pick her up and throw her in the lake at the park for and laugh about later but right now it’s like a t junction of emotions crashing together somewhere in my chest area and i hate it
havent seen daryl either since he broke up with his girl a few weeks before she gives birth to his second child but he doesnt really deserve a paragraph (nor does this kardash drama deserve punctuation in general) but he’s the guy i go out with sometimes and shout at tramps in the street and regardless it would be an outlet for this negative energy and i havent had it either sad sad
so i have a lab report due today which is huge shit on our campus and it’s due at midnight and while i’ll probably scrape together enough sentences not to fail it i’ve been so depressed with everything (like actually going under sad like oxygen becomes water and im drowning constantly kinda sad) and usually i pride myself on having all this information and references and articles and i’ve been pushing for a first for ages like i’ve had so many 2:1s lately it’s sickening but everyone in my class who i copy off and bitch about not understanding anything to are getting 2:2s and 3s so obviously im doing something right but i’ve been so insanely sad i just cannot and i cannot and i cannot
so idk i mean long term ramifications probably nothing who cares as long as i can work it out with noms but i love positive feedback and i hate handing in something subpar for the sole reason that i didnt have enough endorphins to pull my head out of the pillows all weekend and it’s so disappointing and i hate everybody and my eyes should no longer be attached to my head im divorcing them that’s it you’re out golfclubs thrown out the window kinda sad
People say you’re shallow minded for saying money can buy you happiness, but I think you’re intrinsically more shallow if you can’t think of a way money would end your problems.
If I had money, what would be the first thing I’d do? I’d buy a fucking house instead of the squat I currently live in, and you know the best thing? I wouldn’t be pressured into what area I would have to live in, or the size, or the mortgage payments; I’d have money so buying a house wouldn’t be a big life decision it would be a casual thing because if I didn’t like it I could just move somewhere else. After that I’d probably buy a car which I would park in my big ass driveway until I learnt how to drive it then I’d spend the next few months planning my insane summer holiday and who would come with me and how many countries could we cross off our list before we ran out of either countries or pen ink. Again, I wouldn’t have to worry about location, wouldn’t have to worry about spending money, wouldn’t have to worry about accommodation falling through, because if anything happened to me while on this trip I’d just pay my way out of it because I have money.
People talk about having shitty fake friends who would only be close to you for your money, don’t worry I already have plenty of fake friends who only talk to me when they want something; if I had money I could leave those friends behind and go be friends with even richer cuter successful fake people if that’s what it came down to. Or more than likely I’d just stop getting frustrated at people letting me down and I’d let new friendships form naturally, all the while counting my big stacks of cash.
I don’t even think I’d drop out of University, it’s nice to focus on something you enjoy and I’m not stupid enough to not want something out of life like a career or whatever, but at least I could afford the loans and the bills and the fees and not be stressed out by all this collateral shit I shouldn’t have signed up for in the first place.
So if you dare say money can’t buy you happiness I will slap you into poverty and tell me how happy you are not only fighting for a place in life but fighting to maintain these so called friends that seem to disappear regardless of how you line your pockets.
the tightest i’ve ever been held was by a noose. even when people do hold me it’s not much of a hold it’s more of a falling on me emotionally because they know if my stitches havent broken under my own weight they know it can hold theirs too
we did an experiment in psych today involving caffeine and reaction times and since by 3pm im literally a shaking mess from withdrawal i obviously offered to be a part of the caffeinated group (first out the door screaming/assaulting minors). for some reason as we sat drinking coffee out of ugly paper cups my lab tutor went round the room asking everyone the latest fight they’d been in and it was the surrealist thing because since i dont get enough social attention i often imagine my peers asking me random questions just so i have a reason to talk to myself and here it was actually happening. so there’s me the neurotic mess slurping poorly made decaf, shivering, shaking, telling all the 18y/os i school with about the guy i fought on friday (forgetting i’d actually been in a fight on saturday too) still with the bruised hand and bloody knuckles to show for it. i remember the moment in my head when it hit me harder than anything could physically when i was about to say “oh i’ve never really been hurt in a fight ironically the hardest i’ve been hit was by my dad lol” and i don’t know it really made me sad to think of the montage of fistfights i’ve been a part of in the 8 years since i’ve seen him and the only fat lip was a receipt he left me along with his own short temper
i don’t post here anymore because i have so much work to do i can rarely get lost in my sadness anymore but it is a nice little detour from time to time
i mean embracing my sadness and wearing the scars like rly cool meme t-shirts seems so much more acceptable to me than being unaware of it and not realising til hours later i just told my entire next 3 years peer group that i am a violent psychotic and they should steer well clear
my tongue has swollen to dangerous egotistical levels without my lack of self belief constantly biting it
Anonymous: Have i told you yet about the time I masturbated to your shirtless pokewalker tutorial? Just to see if I could get off, maybe. (I did)
aw cute do u wanna do a real cam
i get into fights w my landlord all the time bc she complains about stupid shit and gets emotionally involved on the dumbest level and im like ???? but my flat mate is like yes she’s full of shit but don’t fight her until you’ve got somewhere else to live because what can you get out of it except worsening things further?
and i guess that summarises the majority of my life like i live in a constant state of discontent and i want to fight everybody in a futile attempt to change my situation but his words ring true even in that situation “don’t fight it until you have a better alternative” and i don’t so i can either push it away and have a spiteful flavoured nothing or i can accept the wonderful taste of bullshit for the foreseeable future and maybe for the unforeseeable future after that too
see when i found out alcohol helped my anxiety and brought my overall mental state up from borderline catatonic to barely manageable i started having little shots throughout my day like shot before my exam shot before this spooky phonecall shot before a social encounter and maybe im just over thinking things but i’ve been off the sauce now for what seems like days and i think my overall anxiety levels are worse than ever like i’ve studied it a lot this year that if you start to depend on something your brain gets lazy, lets down its mental walls a bit and you no longer have that subtle defence you never realised you had and i dunno maybe that’s what happened but like whatever it is i hope it goes away because i’ve been crazy anxious for like three days straight now and it’s basically th.e.wor.s.t. have you ever fallen off a cliff and kept falling and then tried to read a book but couldnt because you were still falling well then you know how i feel
Anonymous: Ooh so romantic n dreamy, u single?
how could anyone this romantic n dreamy be single haha
Anonymous: Sorry I missed your birthday kitten. Hope it was lovely and awesome and brilliant( or at least wasn't awful). You deserve to be happier then you are but I just I don't know how to help. Good luck with your exams.
Anonymous: happy birthday!:)x
I SENT THIS TO MYSELF I FUCKING HATE EVERYBODY